Marriage isn’t about you, but Love is.

I’m writing this as a response to a blog article that went viral recently entitled Marriage isn’t for you. Click the title to go over and read the blog post. You will understand my post better if you read that first.  You should. It is good, it is well written. I agree with a lot of the things he has to say. But there is one thing that I don’t agree with, and it is when he says, “No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you.” Never? I agree to a certain extent that marriage isn’t for you, but to say true love is never about you. I disagree. I believe Love, and true love, is most definitely for you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s about the others too, but please, don’t tell me it’s never about me.

It is this point where I felt compelled to write a response, because I think our culture is really messed up. I’m really messed up. I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that I do not love others enough, I think it has to do with the fact that I do not love myself enough, and I think it’s because I don’t know how. I don’t think I’m alone in this.

I’m not talking about selfishness. Let’s be clear on that.

I’m talking about genuinely loving ourselves so that we can love others.

Many of you might say to me, “Well, duh Joe, I think that is implied. We all know that you have to love yourself before you can love others.” I’m here to tell you that I, specifically, do not know that. Because I’m depressed.  I don’t think a lot of other people know it either. Nowhere in that blog does it ever say that it is ok. It specifically says that love is all about the other person. This needs to change. I’m not saying we shouldn’t forget the idea of loving others, I’m simply asking to include loving yourself.

We live in a culture that constantly attaches this stigma of selfishness to any action that is done for us and not others. But just because you do something for yourself does not mean you are selfish.

This type of thinking has been ingrained in us ever since we were kids. We were taught to share, to include other kids, to help others even when we don’t want to. We are taught in church and Sunday school that God died for us, we need to show that selflessness to others. There is even a bible verse in 1^st Corinthians that says Love does not insist in its own way. This is all great, and I think we need to be taught this. But where during our development, our childhood, our adulthood, were we ever taught to love ourselves? Again, it’s implied right?

Sure people say, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts, you are perfect just the way you are. Be confident in yourself.” We get all the messages, but let’s face it, talk is cheap. When did or do we ever get the chance to practice this advice? I don’t ever remember my parents telling me to just do something for myself. I was told to believe in myself, but how can we believe if we never know how to actually do it? How can we do it if we are constantly told that the actual act of doing things for ourselves is selfish? All that does is build up one thing.

Guilt.

I think we all know that word. It’s a big word. A heavy word.

I like to imagine that the love in our basket looks like this

It’s a word that gets in the way of us actually doing things for ourselves.It’s like the metaphor that we all have a basket of love.
We give and give all of this love out to other people. We get depressed because we forget that we also need to give ourselves some of this love too. Now according to the other blog post, when we truly give our love we will then receive it from other people. That should really take care of the problem of us not giving any to ourselves right?

I’m here to tell you that is a false idea. Here is why.

Not giving ourselves love has nothing to do with us giving it to other people, but has everything to do with the fact that we feel like we don’t deserve it. So even if other people give us that love in return, we are not taking it, not sustaining our bodies with it. If your basket is empty, you can’t give any to yourself, and you can’t accept it from other people. If you do happen to get some more in your basket, when you try to give it to yourself, you feel guilty about it, and instead of giving it to others, you just throw it away. When people see that you are not giving it to others the automatically assume you are taking it. Maybe you do take a bite of that apple, that love. But just because you take a bite doesn’t mean you swallow it. It usually means you spit it out, because you feel like you don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it. That is what guilt does.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Again, I’m not saying we shouldn’t love others. But we need to figure out a way to practice self love first, because I’m tired of walking around on empty. Walking around without any love in my basket. To tell you the truth, I don’t feel like I even have a basket anymore. I gave that away too. Maybe others feel like me. I think so.

So what do we do about it?

I don’t know. And I wish I could write it more eloquently. I just know that something needs to change. And it won’t change if the only articles that are going viral are articles that tell people that true love is only about someone else. It won’t change when people celebrate it as they re post it. We need to read that true love is about loving yourself too. Deep down I think that the author of that other blog is not saying to not love yourself. I don’t think he is saying that. But that’s the problem; he isn’t saying anything about it at all.

Again, you think its implied right? That you should love yourself? Well it doesn’t say that. That article doesn’t say that. What people get taught is not about loving yourself. People get taught not to be selfish. We don’t ever get taught to distinguish between being selfish and taking care of ourselves. That’s a problem. It’s time to stop implying. We need to say it’s ok. Not only do we need to say it we need to hear it. We need to practice it, and that might mean that we might actually indulge in some selfish acts for ourselves. I don’t know if its a solution, but I’m willing to give it a try, because there are too many people who are losing right now. Too many people are getting divorces. Too many people breaking promises they can’t keep. Too many people hurting others and themselves. Too many people attempting suicide. Too many people committing suicide. It’s not their fault. It’s no one’s fault. It just has to change.

Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova wrote a song called, “Falling Slowly,” and there are some lyrics in it that apply pretty well to this. They say, “You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself, it’s time that you won.”

I’m here to tell you that true love IS for yourself. Believe it. Act on it. Because I believe that true love isn’t ONLY about other people. It is time. It’s time that YOU won. Not someone else. I want to win. I WANT to win. I just don’t know how.

 

 

A Piece of the Puzzle

This was my first night walk with Herbie

I love taking my dog on walks.

Granted, there are moments where I am just exhausted, and can’t seem to gather the motivation to take him on a walk. But, for the most part, I love taking him on walks. I find it to be a sort of spiritual exercise. For both of us. I can feel Herbie’s stress and anxiety lift off of him as he walks. I find that I need the walks just as much as he does.

It gives me time to think.

Time to unwind.

Time to let stress lift off of me, as well as my dog.

It gives me time. A concept that has been a weird thing lately.

My brother James and I

About 2 months ago, which seems like such a long time ago, my brother passed away. He was only 24. It sucked. I can’t adequately describe to you in this blog post how much it sucks. At first it seemed like time was frozen. You just lived in this word that was all about you. All about him. Frozen because you were trying to make up for time that you lost, time you will never get back, time that you won’t have in the future. Then, it changes. Like everything does with time, and it changed into time flying by faster than you want it to, because you can’t acknowledge everything that is going on around you. Because you are in that space where everything is still about you. Still about him. Life continues to move on.

Without you.

Without him.

It seems weird to think that it still moves, and you try and try to just hold on to that time that was frozen. But you can’t. And that’s when I go on walks. Because I can hold onto it there. I can get lost in my own world, and just think about all the times that I had with James.

Something happened to me though on my walk the other day.

I decided to take a different route that day for some reason. And I took a route which took me to a different part of the trail I use to run on. It was good because I feel like Herbie gets rid of more energy when he gets to explore different places.

This is the tree I saw. You can see it is growing towards the other one. So cool.

There was this certain area we came too that had this really cool tree. It was leaning on this tree that was right beside it. The tree wasn’t broken though, it was growing out of the ground like that. Like it was being pulled towards the other tree. Like it knew it was going to need something to lean on. And the other tree had grown a little bit to the side as well, as if it was welcoming this other tree to lean on it.

It was one of the coolest things I have seen in awhile. I have seen this tree before when I ran, but I never really looked at it until now. So I stood there and just looked at it. Thinking to myself how many times I have needed someone to lean on. In the past, or even just right at that moment, because I was thinking about James and how I wished I would have been there for him to lean on me more. I know he needed it. I know I need it. We all do.

Then I sat down on a bench that was right by the tree, and I did something that I hadn’t done until that moment. You see, when I walk I listen to my iPod because it helps me get lost in my own world, and helps me think. But at this moment when I was sitting, I took out my headphones, and I stepped out my world, and into the world. And I sat and listened to the bugs, to the birds, to the wind, to the water flowing through the canal that was right in front of me. And for a moment I was able to see this beautiful world, a world full of peace, and harmony. All these things working together. Working to make this little piece of the world beautiful. And I was reminded that in the midst of a world that hurts, a world that’s full of pain, a world that takes from you things that you think you should get to hold onto for however long you please, in the midst of all that is a place of peace. A place of harmony. A place of happiness. And even if it was for a brief moment, I was a part of that place. A piece of that puzzle that made this moment in time in this place work. And I was reminded that the world does not revolve around me, but I revolve around it. And it made me think where I should be going, where else can I be a piece of a puzzle to make whole. It made me think where James is, and what puzzle he is a part of now.

So where are you going? What are you doing? What puzzle will you make whole?

Don’t worry if you don’t have the answers yet. I know I don’t. But I know how I’m going to find out. I’m going to start walking.

 

Dancing

Life is moving.

Life is fast.

Some might say that life is even moving fast. I would say that.

I can’t believe it has already been a year since I moved out of the Windy City of Chicago. It’s weird to me. I couldn’t wait to get there, and now here I am. Back where I started. That use to bum me out.  Especially since I’m the reason we moved back. I’m now learning that where I’m at doesn’t really define who I am or what my life is. I’m just excited to see where it takes me.

 It reminds me of what one of my friends said on his blog once. He said, “My dance with religion has led me to find that I’m not dancing to learn the steps, I’m dancing to dance. And perfection is not the goal of this endeavor; dancing is. I’ve given up my need to have the right steps.”

At the time that quote helped me get through a lot of things, and shaped my thoughts about a lot of different things. Now even though this may not hold true in the same way as it use to, specifically to my faith, it still holds a lot of truths, just different ones. Truths that, for me, have changed and have grown.  You see, I am a completely different person now then I was a year ago in Chicago. I’m so glad. Not because I was a bad person in Chicago, but because I would be concerned if I wasn’t different. I saw a quote somewhere that was something along the lines of, “if it isn’t changing, it isn’t living.” We all change, in some way or another. And it’s a good thing. We have to be willing to accept that change.  That is the scary part.

When I first started this blog it was along the idea that I needed to let go, and not be in control so much. This can be over anything. Control over your life, your relationship, your career. Anything. That is scary. It’s scary for me. It’s hard. The thing about letting go though is that it may be scary at first, but once you get past the initial fear, its fun, exciting, freeing. Just gliding through the air, no cares, no worries, just awe and wonder.  

Now as awesome as it would be to be like Tom Petty and free fall, it’s a tall order. Like I said, it’s a scary thing to let go. So much so, that we fight it, fight against anything and anyone who tries to make us let go. I know I have, that I am. It’s exhausting. I think I have been doing this a lot lately because one of my friends (a different friend) told me once that, “if you find yourself living in a world you are unhappy in, you have two options. You can either try to change it, or you can live by its rules. For a long time I did neither. Not living by the rules but unwilling to try and change it, mainly because I didn’t think I could. Lately though I have been trying to have a delicate balance of both, because I think there is a time for both of these paths. There is a time for everything. But more on that later.

This quote that my friend posted is now changing and evolving for me. I have realized that it isn’t just about faith, but about life. This quote now probably reads a lot more like this:

“Life is a dance, and I’m not dancing to learn the right steps, I’m dancing to dance. Perfection is not the goal of this endeavor; dancing is.”

Not much different, but just enough. I think the biggest thing that I have been focused on lately is the last sentence. Perfection is not the goal of this endeavor, dancing is.

I love dancing. Especially when it’s just me, maybe a few friends, in the living room, having a dance party. In those moments I’m dancing the way I want to dance.

There are always people out there who are going to try to tell you that you are not doing the dance right. That your technique is bad, or you’re off the beat, or maybe you just look foolish doing that certain type of dance.  But you see, I’m not dancing for them, I’m dancing to dance.

Too many times people want to take the lead in my dance. Sometimes I wish I could tell them that this one is mine, you have your own. Go lead your own.

I want them to lead their own dance because perfection is not the goal of my dance. So many people try to make it be the goal however, which irritates me. It irritates me because I’m not perfect, and I will never be perfect.

That’s perfectly ok with me.

I don’t want to be perfect. Quite honestly that’s a lot to live up to, and it can only result in disappointment for those who expect it.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I want to be able to dance the way that I want to dance.  Yes, I realize that I will probably make mistakes. I will probably mess things up, hurt ones that I love, and be selfish. But I will also be selfless, caring, helpful, sweet, inspiring, and comforting.  And that’s ok that I will be all of those things, because as the book of Ecclesiastes reminds us there is a time for everything. Most importantly however, there is a time to dance. So even though I may not know exactly where I’m going, I do know how I will get there. I will be dancing. 

 

Why my dog Herbie, is a better man than I….

This was the first day we go out little pup

Look at that face.

Everytime I see my dog I can not help but grin.

His name is Herbie Husker, although my wife is convinced that his name his Herbie Ndamukong Husker. Those of you who are from Nebraska, or are fans of Nebraska football will appreciate this. We even got a decroative plate for Christmas that says you know you’re from Nebraska if you have a pet named “Herbie.”

We do, and I think the naem suits him perfectly. When I take Herbie on walks I get a lot of comments about his name.

“Oh, like Herbie the Lovebug.”

No, not like that, but I let them think that. But really, that fits him very well too. When we adpoted Herbie we got a bunch of informational materials about him, and on a sheet under the heading “Favorite thing to do” was “give kisses.”

They were right. He gives a lot of kisses. He can not help himself but to give us kisses everytime we come home, and they would usually last for a good minute or so. That’s a lot of loving, at one time, from a dog. Although my kiss count has gone down dramatically ever since I grew out my beard. I don’t think he likes it. Which has almost made me shave my beard, because I miss his kisses.

The thing I really like about Herbie, and all dogs really, is the fact that he has so much love to give, and he always gives it. He never holds back. Think about that for a moment.

He always loves me. He also always SHOWS me he loves me. He doesn’t withhold it when I make him angry. he doesn’t do things to try and get back at me for not playing with him as much, he doesn’t insult me when I tell him he is being annoying, he never gets angry at me period. All he wants to do is love me, and be loved in return. He loves me so much that when he wags his tail when I come home his whole body moves back and forth because he is just so happy to see me.

That’s awesome. Why can’t I be more like that? Why is it that a dog can show someone unconditional love, but I have no power to?

I was thinking about this because lately, I have not been doing a good job at trying to show others the respect that I want shown to me. Even if I think people are treating me badly, they do not deserve to be treated badly by me. They deserve something a little better, a little more dog-like.

I think we can all take a cue from dogs, they are loyal, they are playful, they are loving.

Lately, I have been extremely busy, which is why you have not seen any posts from me since I started this blog back in September. Well, I have been busy, and uninspired. It has been a weird year for mthus far, and it is only going to get weirder, busier. Like my faith, this blog has been sent to live in an ity bity living space, along with a lot of other things that I use to cherish. Things I looked forward to doing, thing that helped me live in the present. Things like taking my dog for a walk (which I have not been able to do lately, and which I feel extremely guilty for. Afterall he always shows me his love, and I do a poor job of showing him mine.) Oddly enough, I started getting back on track when I took Herbie for a walk the other day. I use to treat our walks as a sort of chore, something that was keeping me from the rest of the day. But instead, it was really introducing me to the day.  Giving me the opportuinty to slow down when life moves fast, to notice all the things I was missing, and had already missed.  I use to think I needed to take him on his walk as fast as I could. But when I take the time to give him the opportuinty to lay down and roll around in the grass, it reminds me that I’m missing a little something everyday.

You should really see him roll around on the ground. It really is quite hilarious. You can see so much of his personality when he does. He is just having the time of his life. He helps me do the same. It’s those little things that I have been missing that he gave back to me in just that one instant.

Little things like laughing.

Breathing.

Seeing.

Living.

Taking the time to just be me. To live and be the me who isn’t tied up by obligations, money, responsibility, school, work. That person is much more enjoyable. Much more dog like.

So ya, my dog is ten times the man that I am right now. But what could I do if I could love like a dog?

What could you do?

I encourage you this week to go out and be the dogs that we all should be like. Play. Run. Wag your tail for the ones you love, and for the ones you don’t. Give those you love kisses. Take the time to stop, and roll around in the grass. But most importantly,

Love.

 

 

Taking time, to look at rainbows.

I know what you are probably thinking. “Whoa! Joe is really going at it with this blogging thing.”  But something happened to me yesterday that I thought I needed to share.

I was walking to work yesterday because there wasn’t a bus coming in time for me to make it to work on time. fortunately I live close enough to work where I can walk. Usually walking doesn’t bother me that much. I love walking. I love having time to think, to see, and to appreciate all of the things around me. It doesn’t hurt that I feel like I am getting some sort of exercise as well. Yesterday however, it was raining. It wasn’t raining that hard, just a light sprinkle. Enough for me to think that I wish I could have caught a bus. As I was walking a lady who was walking by me turns to me and says, “Oh,there it is.” I was somewhat confused, because I had no idea what she was talking about. She said it like I was wearing something that she thought she misplaced, and just happened to find it exactly where she had left it. ” OH, there it is.” I assume she sensed my confusion and then pointed and said to me. “The rainbow. With rain like this you know it has to be somewhere.”

What will you take the time to do with your rainbow today?

And there it was. At this point I was running late to work. I was doing my best version of a speed walker and almost walked on by. I then started thinking that I haven’t seen a rainbow in a really long time. Despite my time constraints I decided to stop, and take a look. To appreciate this wonderful, amazing, beautiful thing that God has given us. I stood there, just looking, for probably good minute. Not a lot of time, but in the moment, it felt like an eternity.

As I made it to work, on time by the way, my boss commented to me, “Uh oh, you look wet.” Very good Mr. Manager, very good. As I told him as to why I was wet he said, “Oh that stinks,” to which I replied, “No, it was actually a great decision to walk, because I saw a rainbow, and I haven’t seen one of those in a really long time. Which means that today, is going to be a great day.”

We then got into a conversation about how awesome it would be if we could create a gun that shot rainbows, and whenever anyone was having a bad day we could just shoot them with a rainbow and everything in their world would be better. Because I mean, lets face it, when do you not feel good when you look at a rainbow. 

So, if you had a rainbow gun, how would you use it? Where would you use it? I guess a better question would be, how are you going to use it today? Because you do in fact have a tool that can spread happiness to other people. All you have to do is use it.

Dear God, thank you for rainbows, for promises kept, and for complete strangers, for taking the time to remind us. Amen.