A Piece of the Puzzle

This was my first night walk with Herbie

I love taking my dog on walks.

Granted, there are moments where I am just exhausted, and can’t seem to gather the motivation to take him on a walk. But, for the most part, I love taking him on walks. I find it to be a sort of spiritual exercise. For both of us. I can feel Herbie’s stress and anxiety lift off of him as he walks. I find that I need the walks just as much as he does.

It gives me time to think.

Time to unwind.

Time to let stress lift off of me, as well as my dog.

It gives me time. A concept that has been a weird thing lately.

My brother James and I

About 2 months ago, which seems like such a long time ago, my brother passed away. He was only 24. It sucked. I can’t adequately describe to you in this blog post how much it sucks. At first it seemed like time was frozen. You just lived in this word that was all about you. All about him. Frozen because you were trying to make up for time that you lost, time you will never get back, time that you won’t have in the future. Then, it changes. Like everything does with time, and it changed into time flying by faster than you want it to, because you can’t acknowledge everything that is going on around you. Because you are in that space where everything is still about you. Still about him. Life continues to move on.

Without you.

Without him.

It seems weird to think that it still moves, and you try and try to just hold on to that time that was frozen. But you can’t. And that’s when I go on walks. Because I can hold onto it there. I can get lost in my own world, and just think about all the times that I had with James.

Something happened to me though on my walk the other day.

I decided to take a different route that day for some reason. And I took a route which took me to a different part of the trail I use to run on. It was good because I feel like Herbie gets rid of more energy when he gets to explore different places.

This is the tree I saw. You can see it is growing towards the other one. So cool.

There was this certain area we came too that had this really cool tree. It was leaning on this tree that was right beside it. The tree wasn’t broken though, it was growing out of the ground like that. Like it was being pulled towards the other tree. Like it knew it was going to need something to lean on. And the other tree had grown a little bit to the side as well, as if it was welcoming this other tree to lean on it.

It was one of the coolest things I have seen in awhile. I have seen this tree before when I ran, but I never really looked at it until now. So I stood there and just looked at it. Thinking to myself how many times I have needed someone to lean on. In the past, or even just right at that moment, because I was thinking about James and how I wished I would have been there for him to lean on me more. I know he needed it. I know I need it. We all do.

Then I sat down on a bench that was right by the tree, and I did something that I hadn’t done until that moment. You see, when I walk I listen to my iPod because it helps me get lost in my own world, and helps me think. But at this moment when I was sitting, I took out my headphones, and I stepped out my world, and into the world. And I sat and listened to the bugs, to the birds, to the wind, to the water flowing through the canal that was right in front of me. And for a moment I was able to see this beautiful world, a world full of peace, and harmony. All these things working together. Working to make this little piece of the world beautiful. And I was reminded that in the midst of a world that hurts, a world that’s full of pain, a world that takes from you things that you think you should get to hold onto for however long you please, in the midst of all that is a place of peace. A place of harmony. A place of happiness. And even if it was for a brief moment, I was a part of that place. A piece of that puzzle that made this moment in time in this place work. And I was reminded that the world does not revolve around me, but I revolve around it. And it made me think where I should be going, where else can I be a piece of a puzzle to make whole. It made me think where James is, and what puzzle he is a part of now.

So where are you going? What are you doing? What puzzle will you make whole?

Don’t worry if you don’t have the answers yet. I know I don’t. But I know how I’m going to find out. I’m going to start walking.